Belly Button Lint is My Super Power
As you get older, you tend to resign yourself to the realities of life. For example:
I’ll never be 6'2" (although I’m still hopeful about a late-in-life growth spurt).
My rock star ambitions have turned into screechy ballads sung in the privacy of my shower.
And as much as I try to wish it away…
I’ll always have body hair — lots of it.
Now, you may be thinking, “C’mon, Mark. Cheer up. That’s not so bad.”
Really?
Aren’t you the guy who was walking by my house that one day when I was cutting the grass without a shirt? And you put your hand in front of your child’s eyes and said, “Hurry honey, walk faster!”?
Thought so.
And don’t even think about sending me the bill from your child’s therapy sessions.
Anyway, I digress…
Let’s face it, I’m never going to look like the guy on the cover of Men’s Health or (thankfully) the guy on the newest covers of the Sport’s Illustrated swimsuit issues.
But recently, I discovered how to make lemonade from this seemingly catastrophic physical anomaly of lemons I’ve been dealt…
I’m embracing the fact that I produce belly button lint.
LOTS of it.
Now you may be thinking, “Ewwww gross.”
Think again.
Because I have discovered a cottage industry with an unlimited supply of product.
Consider the advantages and usefulness of belly button lint:
- Use it to insulate around doors and windows in the harshest of winter climates
- Plug holes in shoes
- Provides nesting material for new puppies, kittens, or possums
- Shove a wad under your hat to keep insulated and warm
- Replace inferior goose down in your blankets and pillows
- Makes an excellent kindling source for fires
- Produces attic and wall insulation with the highest of R-Value
Of course, you may laugh and call me crazy. And I’m okay with that.
But don’t you have your smooth, hairless body call me this winter begging for some belly button down filling or fire starter.
Well, actually yes, on second thought, please call me.
My prices will be tripled by then and I’ll finally have enough money to pay a therapist to talk about the hair on my back.
