Should Only Take A Second (Ha!)
If your wife ever asks you to stop at the store on your way home to pick up, oh, let’s say some apples...
…just say “No.”
Ha, just kidding. You aren’t allowed to say “no.”
She tells you to quit your whining. It should only take a second.
You run into the store. You get the apples. You’re standing in line to check out.
It’s a short line.
Should only take a second.
The lady two people in front of you is paying with a check. All of her stuff is in bags and she is digging in her purse for a pen.
No pen.
Asks cashier for pen.
She starts to fill out the check… all of it, forgetting the name of the grocery store. What’s that name again? Swears this should only take a second.
Cashier asks for ID. Lady can’t find ID. Digs deeper into purse. Wonders if it took less time to find the Titanic at the bottom of the sea. Laughs hysterically. Look of discovery on her face.
Found it.
Cash register doesn’t like ID. Manager walks over.
Should only take a second.
Yes, ID is okay. Thank you Mrs. Squashbottom and thanks for shopping with us.
One down, one to go.
Guy in front of you plunks down a container of night crawlers and a package of hot dogs.
He’s going fishing. He’s retired.
You’re trying to care. Strike that, no you’re not. Not even a little bit.
Man starts telling a story about fishing in the old days. Man and his wife used to go fishing. Good story, just not right now. Maybe later? Much later?
Never?
Man reaches into his pocket and pulls out change. Asks cashier if she minds payment in pennies.
Says she doesn’t mind (she does).
Man loses count. Laughs. Has to start over.
Cashier laughs.
You laugh too then reach out to throttle the fisherman with your bare hands. Images of solitary confinement pop into your head.
You look around then politely excuse yourself as you pick up the bag of apples from the belt.
Self-checkout looks like a quicker option.
This should only take a second.
Self checkout lights are flashing. Customers need help.
All of them. At the same time.
Finally. It’s your turn.
You put the apples on the scanner. Machine wants to know what kind of apples.
Friendly computer voice chirps, “Please select apple type from the drop down chart.”
“Gala, Jonagold, McIntosh.”
Come again?
“Fuji, Delicious, Yellow Delicious.”
What is this, the Willy Wonka factory?
“Granny Smith, Knobbed Russet.”
Red. The apples in this bag are red, you think to yourself.
“Cortland, Braeburn, Winesap.”
You press ‘Delicious.’ Light goes off.
Wrong apple chosen.
Friendly helper lady comes over to help.
This should only take a second.
Lady runs apples over scanner. Red Delicious. You’re right… apples are red.
Machine asks you for payment. You put in $20 bill.
Machine asks you to put $20 bill in the right way. You turn it around and try again.
Machine spits $5 bill out. You try again.
Spit.
Again.
Spit.
Smooth bill out to remove wrinkles.
Spit.
Try a new bill. Bill works.
Machine says to put items in a bag on the bagger counter.
But you don’t want a bag. Apples are already in a bag.
Machine says, “Put the apples in a bag… or else.”
You pull a bag for you apples. Put apples in bag. Bag of apples is now in a bag.
Machine wants you to take your receipt. No receipt comes out. Light on register is blinking.
Not-as-friendly self checkout helper lady comes back. Has to hand write a receipt for you.
Should only take a second.
Helper lady has to ask fellow employee for pen. Fellow employee is on break. Lady tells you to just take your apples and get out.
Theft beeper at the door goes off. Burly door guard asks to see receipt.
You don’t have a receipt.
Burly guard snatches double-bagged apples from your hand. Asks you why you stole apples and an extra grocery bag.
Phone rings. Wife asks you if it would be too much trouble to get some onions.
You tell her you don’t want to and then you start crying. She tells you to quit being a baby and to quit your whining. After all…
…it should only take a second.
