What I’m Afraid of This Week
Normally, I’m not a fearful guy…
…except for maybe when I get a letter in the mail from the IRS…
…or when the ATF knocks on my door demanding to see my high-velocity rubber band collection…
…or if my toilet fails to flush after a particularly tough night out of all-you-can-eat Taco Bell burritos.
But other than that, I’m usually not afraid of stuff.
UNLESS it’s in the news or on the internet.
They’re always telling us what to be afraid of so of course, it’s okay to be afraid if they tell you it’s okay.
For example, there was one time I got afraid of catching the Zika virus. But then they stopped talking about it so I wasn’t afraid anymore.
Then I was afraid of Ebola. But that hasn’t been in the news for a while, so I’m not afraid of that… for now.
Every now and again, I get afraid of global warming, cooling, climate change, solar cycles, the four seasons.
What’s tough about that one is the overwhelming guilt that rushes over me because they tell me it’s all my fault.
Hurricanes, earthquakes, droughts, floods, locusts, wildfires, chemtrails, laser beams from space…
Yep, that’s all me.
So now I’m overwhelmed with feelings of shame, guilt, AND fear.
I miss the good ol’ days when it was just plain, straight up, in-your-face fear.
Good times… goooood times.
So what am I afraid of this week?
- World War III
- Donald Trump
- Disease X
- Taylor Swift
- Paper ballots
- White people like myself
- Joe Biden
- Stupid people (Weird how this one is ALWAYS on the list)
Of course, this list is subject to change (except for the ‘stupid people’ one) as soon as something bigger, harrier, scarier, deadlier, or incredibly more insurmountable hits the news.
Now just so we’re clear, I’m not afraid. At least not until I watch the news or fire up my internet browser.
Then I’ll be afraid.
And yes, I’m pretty sure it’s all my fault.
